You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
