meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
