i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
