Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
