i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
