I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
