This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
