Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
