Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
