How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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