plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
