I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
