My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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