Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
