Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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