Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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