You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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