A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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