I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
