I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
In America we eat man semen.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
