I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
