burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
