They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
