I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
