i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
