You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
one might say we're banned from that church
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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