I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
