hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
