Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
