his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
