I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
