Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
