Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
