Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
