You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
