I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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