My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
