I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
