Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize