My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
