11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
