God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
