Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
