I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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