I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
