If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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