a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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