I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
