If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
