I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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