Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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