Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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