I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
