Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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