Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
