She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
