Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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