No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
