She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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