The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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