I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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