I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I look better un-naked...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
