Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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